Obviously, people won’t feel safe around you if you exhibit behavior that is either threatening or violent. Any kind of violence or abuse, whether physical, verbal, or psychological, will not encourage people to be intimate with you.

The current moment is all we really have. An hour from now will be the future, an hour ago was the past, and "right now" is a gift (which is why we call it "The Present"). At this moment, there is a multitude of observations, thoughts, and feelings being generated inside our bodies and our minds. By sharing these little glimpses of our true selves with each other, we build a sense of community and experience the joy of personal contact with other human beings. Conversations about past events or about people outside this group will generally serve to reduce the level of community spirit we are able to create with one another.

However, talking about other people in other places may be appropriate if you are feeling a strong emotional reaction to them NOW.

When you make "I" statements, you allow people to learn something about who you are. Some examples of "I" statements might include sentences that begin with "I believe...", I think...", I feel...", or "I need...". At times, you may feel apprehensive about "going out on a limb" to make personal statements, but the potential risk is far less than the potential reward. When you are willing to be open and honest with others, they will admire your bravery. Through your example, they will find their own courage to take the risk of sharing their "real" selves with you.

It is much more personal to say something like "I think (such & such)" than to say "Some people think (such & such)". It is more risky to tell people about you than it is to hide behind the safety of talking about "some people...". It feels safer to say "Divorce is terrible", rather than "My divorce was terribly painful for me. Being open, honest, and truthful, will go a long way towards helping us make genuine contact with each other. As noted above, everyone else in the room is probably just as fearful about revealing his/her "real self" as you are! Once you take the risk of letting people see who you really are, you will probably discover that they are willing to accept the "real you", even with your faults and weaknesses. When that happens, your level of self-esteem will get a boost and you will have permission to be your true self, feeling less pressure to try to be the person who you think others want you to be.

Asking questions is a "safe" thing to do. The other person "goes out on a limb" when he/she honestly answers your questions about personal thoughts, attitudes, beliefs, feelings, and ideas, but you risk little or nothing by asking.

There is often an unspoken statement behind (or underneath) many of the questions we ask people. Instead of asking a question, try sharing the underlying statement with the person you are speaking to. If you have trouble recognizing the statement behind your question, try asking yourself , "What is my motivation for asking this question?"

For example, instead of asking, "Why did you look at me like that?",

Go ahead and take the risk of showing the other person how it affected you. Say instead,

We want to avoid asking "Why" questions for two reasons. First, because the other person might become defensive if s(he) perceives the question as a demand to justify or defend his/her words or actions. Secondly, people tend to intellectualize their answers to "why" questions. It is much easier for us to connect on a feeling level than on an intellectual level.

Your conversations with people will generally be more intimate if you are willing to speak whenever you are genuinely emotionally moved to speak, and if you can refrain from talking about things that have no real meaning for you.

"Feedback" is not another word for criticism! Nor should it be used verbally attack someone. Feedback is a way of sharing your reaction to what someone has said or done. Sometimes, what you hear me say, is not really what I meant to tell you. By giving feedback, telling others how their words or actions have impacted you, they gain knowledge about how to communicate better with you (and how to communicate better with others) in the future. If you get angry about what your friend or loved one says or does, limit your comment to that person’s words or behavior. Don’t assassinate his/her entire character for a single comment or action. When giving feedback, be caring and respectful. Remember, next time, it might be you on the receiving end!

Feedback serves as a verbal mirror. It allows you to see how you look and sound to others. The purpose of feedback is to let you know how you are doing (or not doing), in terms of getting your messages across to others. Try not to emotionally shut down, run away, or become defensive when someone gives you negative (or positive) feedback that makes you feel uncomfortable. Listen to feedback with an open mind and an open heart. If you receive honest feedback that causes you pain, consider the possibility that you may have just discovered something about yourself that you’d like to change.

Asking for help does not imply weakness. We can go a long way towards reducing feelings of alienation in ourselves and in others when we are willing to trade our sense of rugged individualism for a sense of interdependence with others. Interdependent people will sometimes give help, and sometimes receive it.

Don’t be afraid to ask the group for help in changing unwanted behaviors. Friends, lovers, and family members can be extremely effective in helping you make specific behavioral changes. Usually, this is accomplished by giving your permission to allow them to discretely signal you when they see (or hear) you unconsciously behaving in "the old way" and by asking them to acknowledge you when you are successful in behaving in the new, desired way.

Ask for what you want (but be prepared to take "no" for an answer - unless you believe that your personal rights are being disregarded).

Avoid telling others what you think they should do, say, think, or feel. Let them be responsible for their own experience.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own thoughts, feelings, perceptions, and actions. Retain responsibility for your own "stuff" by using the format shown below to communicate with your fellow group members:

"When I hear you say..." (or) "As I watch you do..."

" I think.... and now I am feeling..." (emotion) .

(When appropriate, continue with) "And what I want from you is..."

You experience life through your own unique personal filter. Just because you see, think, and feel a certain way, it does not mean that others necessarily experience things the same way you do. Keep in mind that what you heard me say, may not be what I was trying to tell you.

Note whether or not a persons’ body language is consistent with his/her verbal language. Someone who claims to be emotionally hurt, and is smiling when he/she talks about the pain, may not be in touch with their own truth. Point out inconsistencies when you notice them. Our communication with each other will be much clearer if we can notice when we are sending "mixed messages" to each other.

Don’t take on the responsibility of trying to solve other peoples’ problems. The best solution for you may not be the best solution for them. Also, keep in mind that handing someone a solution to a problem robs him or her of the opportunity to strengthen their own problem-solving skills.

You are ultimately responsible for mapping out and protecting your own personal space. When you feel angry, the anger is usually a signal from your body that somehow, another person has managed to step across his/her boundaries into your personal space, uninvited. Sometimes these boundary violations are intentional, and sometimes, the other person is simply unaware of where you "draw the line" in specific circumstances. While the actual process of conflict resolution sometimes requires much time and effort, the concept is relatively simple. Successful resolution of a conflict requires each of the participants to agree to respect each other’s personal boundaries. In some instances, one or more parties may have to willingly agree to re-position their boundaries in order to accommodate a mutually acceptable solution. Be prepared to let others know when they’ve invaded your personal space, and be prepared to retreat when you over-extend your own personal boundaries into someone else’s space.

There may be times when it will feel uncomfortable to stay in the room and work through a rough spot in the interpersonal process. Often, the choice to hang in there at such times leads to a strengthening of your coping skills, improved relationships with other people, and possibly, resolution of a conflict. Leaving the room at such times may serve to lessen the tension you are feeling at the moment, but can ultimately result in missed opportunities to experience personal growth.

View intimate relationships ad the as a special place where it is safe to explore and discover your true self and to share that exploration and discovery with others Confidentiality about things that come up in conversation is absolutely necessary to the maintenance of the intimate relationship as a "safe harbor" in a scary world. We will be less likely to risk trying out a new behavior or to risk letting our close associates see who we really are, if we have to worry about "outsiders" getting information about us without our permission. There may be certain things that happen in in the context of your intimate relationships that you would like to share with other people in your life. This may be acceptable, IF you share from your own perspective, and you are absolutely certain that you can protect the privacy of others in your life. Never share the intimate details of another person’s life without that person’s explicit permission. Respect others’ right to privacy in the same way you want them to respect yours!

Often, we hold back on speaking our truth if we think others will reject or disapprove of us. Trust that being willing to speak openly and honestly will contribute to the progress of the relationship.

Try to be honest in your feedback, but at the same time, challenge another person’s behavior or attitude without verbally beating him/her up. It is possible to be open and honest with your feelings without being rude or hurtful. Be willing to address interpersonal problems in a gentle, caring manner. Resolution of conflicts along with open, honest, respectful confrontation will reduce feelings of isolation among group members and will strengthen the feeling of connectedness between us through meaningful, genuine, and empathetic contact.